i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
