Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Green mimosas i think yes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
