So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
