she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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