Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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