Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
