i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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