Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
