if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
