it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
