I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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