If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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