I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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