I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
