Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
