Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
