I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
