My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is Oprah even human
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
