Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
