the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
