i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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