He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
