Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
