if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
