Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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