You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
