My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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