He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How's work?
Spinning.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
