I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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