I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
