Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
