Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
