there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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