I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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