I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
