Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
