I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
