I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
