The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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