how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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