1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
another moral hangover. fuck.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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