24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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