It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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