Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
