in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
