So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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