As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
