I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
