I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
