I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
